27 August 2005

cheek to cheek

Moving to New York on Thursday is the green light on the other side of Gatsby's bay, yes, and I'm excited about that, yes, but I'm not *excited* to be doing anything except ending this hellish summer. Will this change once I've packed?

I want to be like everyone else, butterflies in stomach and esophagus and mouth and lips, but all I can think about it is everything that must be done first and then my neck hurts and I have to close the bottles whose mouths wag and ears listen.

Also, I might go on Adderall because I'm scared about what I'm trying to do in the amount of time I'm trying to do it in (an Ivy League two-year master's in nine months). I figure it's either coke or prescription drugs and prescription drugs won't get me a jail sentence. I've spent my summer pretending to be a grad student home for the summer: waitressing, picking up a Del's lemonade, vacationing, yard saling. I mean, what?

And I look at my life from a distance, twenty years from now, vodka and soda in hand, and I don't know how I did it. "Hello, my name is Sheila and I'm a-"

betholindo at 13:39

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