ten simple rules

I'm like your mother.

No, I really am.

Do you remember how when you were little and you'd do something wrong and she'd say to you "I'm not angry, just disappointed"? And then she wouldn't speak to you until you broke down in tears.

And the guilt, the guilt would pain you. It would slice daggers through your heart and you'd remember how hurt she looked when you had children of your own.

That's how I operate: I don't get angry, just disappointed.

So I was surpised to discover that someone, a virtual stranger, figured out how to push my buttons.

Sit tight, kiddies, here's. . . .

The Field Guide to Making Sheila Angry

or (in the Rocky and Bullwinkle tradition),

How Not to Be a Man:

1. Offer Sheila a job, a good job teaching English that starts in a few weeks and that fits around her new au pair position.

2. Check Sheila's references.

3. Correspond with Sheila every other day about the job and lesson planning. Tell her how excited you are to be working with her. Thank her for the opportunity.

4. Call Sheila to confirm that she starts in three days. Set up a date and time to brief her for her new job.

5. During the call, question her experience and references. Be a little rude about it.

6. Don't e-mail Sheila to tell her you decided to close your company the next day, two days before her job starts, twelve hours after your phone call.

7. Don't call Sheila to apologize.

8. Instead, let the client, a Croatian businesswoman who Sheila was supposed to teach in two days, e-mail her to let her know what's going on.

9. Don't offer to pay Sheila the money you said you would in the contract.

10. Hide your penis.

betholindo at 2:36 p.m.

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