11 October 2004

stranger in a strange land

Life lesson: one year and residency in four countries later, I'm finally learning to let go of the little green monster.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I had a dream last night about a shirt in a shop window I've been coveting.

Then when I woke up, I made my boyfriend ride his bike out with me to visit it.

And he agreed: red and lime green goodness.

Through the store window we saw a friend of my host mother's trying on clothes. If she shops there, I definitely can't afford it.

It's a challenge, always coveting things I can't have while living in a place that's not mine and where nothing belongs to me.

I live in a room that has someone else's furniture on it. I use towels some other au pair used before me. The pictures on the walls: not my taste. The language: not mine.

When I do something people like, they tell me how well I'm assimilating. When I do something they dislike, they smile with tight lips and say "how American."

Everyone has advice on how I can become more like themselves. Is this some sort of delayed teen angst or am I too concerned with validating myself?

The thing about setting yourself up to play Catch Up is that you never really do.

betholindo at 13:53

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